jumping bean

I want something I can’t have, chemo.  No chemo again this week.  My platelet count is back up but my white blood cell count has some growing up to do.  Running amuck I tell you.  Okay, I’m way to hard on her, I don’t have any infections and haven’t gotten sick, so she’s still doing her job without as many employees… been there, done that.  My mom asked why they could just give it to me?  Even if I were to be hospitalized and medicated, fear of infection is too much a reality.  I wanted to remind my mom that I’m healthy, other than the fact I’m ridden with cancer, and need to stay that way.

My sister’s and girlfriend’s work is putting on a benefit for me this weekend.  I have friends flying in from Denver joining a bunch of people here I’ve never met (some I have) to give me money.  It’s not even a loan.  I just keep it all.  Well, not keep it really, I’ll buy food, travel to out-of-state doctor appointments, and mostly pay hospital bills.  It’s like a sweetest, coolest, most helpful thing.  Who said money can’t buy love?

I know, that’s not really what it’s about.  I mean it is, but it isn’t.  They told me almost two months ago they were planning this benefit.  I didn’t have do anything… let me rephrase that, they wanted to do everything.  I think it’s the first “party” for me since I was a wee child I didn’t dictate. Although difficult at first, I relaxed my fists and backed off.  I’ve been able to view this gift like the many others people have shown me. 

Two prayer quilts from family, friends, and strangers cover my couch.  Letters and notes of sympathy and optimism collage every day.  A motorcycle, rides to and from the hospital, visits at the hospital, phone calls just to check in, silence so I can release emotions, pats on  the back, hugs, kisses, little crooked smiles and nods from strangers that mean “hang in there sista”, this benefit-gathering, all give me a since of pride and self worth that keeps my mind strong.  And although I need it some days more than others it’s a large pillow I can rely on to be there as I jump.

P.S. the word bean in the title is there because to a few of people I love most in the world, everyone is a bean